Grace

I've debated for 6 weeks about what to post or whether to post at all about my sweet Grace. Since I don't really blog any more I thought "why bother," but there are a few people who I know care about what's going on in my life who I haven't been great about keeping in contact with who I decided I would post this for. Some things you can't just put in a Christmas card or post on facebook. I'm a fairly private person and don't generally post sensitive feelings for the general public to read.

I was due with Grace on 11/11/11 but was measuring extremely large and at 39 weeks my doctor decided to induce me thinking the baby was gigantic. After starting me on pitocin she wasn't doing well so they stopped the pitocin and decided to just break my water and see what happened. When they broke my water there was an INSANE amount of amniotic fluid. Seriously my nurse couldn't even lift the towels after they were done. So that was the reason I was measuring so large. My labor continued on it's own and Grace was born at 2:00.

At my 31 week ultrasound to confirm her gender they noticed her femur was measuring extremely small, which is a marker for Down Syndrome. We decided not to have the amnio because I was so far along it felt kind of pointless, and we decided to just wait and see. So when she was born we were both nervous wrecks waiting to see if she was okay. I could tell as soon as I saw her that she didn't have downs, but I could also tell something was wrong. She looked different than any of our other kids had. There was a false sense of cheer among the nurses/doctor and nobody would look us in the eyes. The baby nurse spent what seemed like forever measuring and checking her but wouldn't say why. When they moved me to the recovery part of the hospital the nurses kept telling us that our pediatrician had been called and would be there as soon as she could. We kept wondering what was going on because I knew she didn't have Down Syndrome. Finally about 7:30 that night our pediatrician came and after a quick examination told us she suspected that Grace had Achondroplasia, or was a dwarf. The diagnosis was confirmed the next day by a geneticist and 3 radiologists, one at Primary Children's.

There aren't really words to describe what it feels like to find out there's something majorly wrong with one of your kids. Devastating, shattering, and heartbreaking don't really seem to convey the depth of what I felt. The first few weeks were rough as we went through the grieving process and tried to wrap our minds around what this meant for her and for our family. There are a multitude of potential health problems that we will have to watch for throughout her life, but for now she's healthy and we're beyond greatful for that. I am constantly telling myself things could be much worse, and as she gets older and I fall more and more in love with her I know everything will be okay. I won't go through everything that I've felt and learned already but I will say that I know that Heavenly Father is aware of us each individually and as we strive to become more like Christ we have experiences tailored for us to help us in that journey. I know that she was meant to come to our family. There have been countless times over the last 6 weeks, especially at night when all is quiet and it's just me and her, when I hold her and rock her and place her soft cheek next to mine and the spirit whispers to me about her extraordinary spirit and about her courage and strength and I know she is destined for greatness. I am humbled and blessed to be her mother.

Things are mostly fine now. I have moments of fear and sadness for what lies ahead for her but mostly things are just normal. I do want to say a huge thanks though. To my amazing husband who is much stronger than me, and who I clung to for dear life those first few days. He dragged me along until I could stand on my own again. To my sisters who let me just cry and cried with me. To my sister-in-law Misty who is so wise and knows just what to say and did when I needed it the most. To so many people in my ward who have been so kind and given me hugs and let me know they were praying and thinking about me, it means more than I can say. I've learned we all need grace in this life and like Misty told me "life doesn't have to be perfect to be good."